With our uncle (my godfather) sick, I've been thinking lately about aging and the aged. I see the Beadlady's parents becoming less mobile, less clear thinking for instance and it makes me think about my own mortality and life, in general.
What does frugality get you? I've recently been using a mental model for my personality where I'm a farmer, not a hunter. I'm not placing a value judgment on either option, just accepting it as a given. Yankee frugality comes to mind.
Using that mental model I have a couple of insights. I'm less of risk taker, a common trait among so-called adult children of alcoholics. Typically, one of the consequences of living in that environment is that a kid is overly responsible, even in youth. You want control over certain parts of life (possibly extreme control) because you know that other parts of your life are unpredictable and painfully chaotic.
Okay. Well that sounds a bit true, but so do horoscopes at times. Objectively, I am less of a risk taker and more of a stick-it-out through this drought and hope for the best next year. One of the consequences of that (metaphorical) farmer mentality is that sometimes you stay in a failing situation too long. Note the bounty of depressed farmer stories. There are times when perseverance and hard work will not fix a situation. The situation is irredeemable.
My question is does this ring true for anyone else? And if so, how do you know when it is irredeemable?
This intersect with aging most definitely. For example, Dad seems to hate, literally hate, where he lives right now. Why doesn't he sell and leave? Well clearly he isn't a hunter in this part of his life. Plenty of people buy/sell/move without a lot of angst. That's not characteristic of this family however.
It seems that Dad would be well served to make changes in his life that would more suit his current needs, but he doesn't. The same goes for my in-laws. They could surely sell their currently home and move into a more elderly friendly environment. In fact, they could have done that earlier too. But they didn't either, prefering the comfort of their own, well-known environment.
I'm not suggesting that they should have moved. However, objectively speaking, it is harder to do it now. What does this mean for our own lives?
He's your godfather too? I didn't know that.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed the same risk-avoiding trait in myself. Sometimes I'm able to "just fuckin' do it," as D would say. Sometimes I have to be in a situation that makes me so miserable that I don't have a choice.
I don't know what that means in the long run. I suppose the smart thing would be to plan now for what we'd like to see happen in the future. Planning seems to make life a little easier and risk a little easier to take.
The stuff I've changed in my life...it was irredeemable when other people pointed out I was miserable. Also, when I woke up crying most mornings it was irredeemable.
Planning it out requires decision making and since I hate making big decisions because I fear that they are the wrong decision that might be tough. But I've got D to tell me to "just fuckin do it," and Big Bro to remind me, "you can always change your mind." So I give you that advice from your damn selves.
I think the advice "just Fucking do it" isn't always the right advice, at least for me. I'm trying to get to a point where I'm okay with myself, even the risk avoidance. I'm not trying to imply that being a risk-taker is preferable. It's just different.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes need a gentle push and I sometimes need to respect that farmer voice, too. The alternative seems to be hating on yourself for not being a risk taker.
Hating on yourself doesn't get you anywhere positive, does it? At least, it doesn't for me. It doesn't get you anywhere that you can't get to without the hating.
I think for kid and D, "just Fucking do it" (not sure why the capital F) does constitute a gentle push, versus hating on self. (not sure why "on")...
ReplyDeleteI have an increasingly frail friend who is 85 or so years old. In her head, she is still 30 years younger, and I don't mean her mental acuity. She grumbles constantly about everything from her health, to her home, her neighbors. She feels victimized continually by anyone she hires to try to help with this or that repair. She feels that because she is alone (her husband passed away in the 80s from an allergic reaction to allergy medicine - how rotten is that?) everyone wants to take advantage of her, pull the wool over her eyes, etc. She seems to trust no one. She is lonely. Particularly because she tends to alienate those who try to reach out and help her, because she feels she's being taken somehow.
ReplyDeleteI've suggested, gently, a couple times over the years, that she consider one of those assisted living situations that precedes nursing home needs, where she'd just go down the hall for dinner if she wanted to, and have neighbors with whom she could be social. Of course, she gets all "but this is my home" about it...
I don't know if I'll ever live in a home that is mine, never mind doing so long enough to understand that sentiment.
My point is that this conversation has been happening with this person and someone else for at least 20 years. Over the 20 years her situation has gotten worse. She no longer drives (finally realizing it wasn't worth it after numerous accidents). Most of the neighbors have changed, but they've only gotten worse (like Mary, always standing on the property line). And yet... no change.
Maybe the practical thing to do is treat life like a financial investment. When the value gets to X, sell. When the age gets to Y, (still young enough to be fit, mentally and able, physically) assisted living.
But how embarrassing would it be to be the only assisted living resident who still has to get up and go to work every morning?
Like Kid, I don't like to make decisions. My immobility may be attributable to analysis paralysis and not wanting to make the wrong decision. That may or may not be tied to the fear of losing control over a situation... While the trait is common among ACOA, I know it happens to other people too.
ReplyDelete[For example, BB's eldest seems to me to be one who likes to be in control of a situation, and also to be one who is always calculating risks and/or trade-offs. Maybe she is just maximizing her gain in her quest to make the most out of life. She is not, however, a COA.]
I think part of the hang in there attitude stems from our catholic upbringing. Behaviors like trust in His will, turn the other cheek, and lessons like blessed are the meek, etc. There was much less social or religious training for recognizing a bad situation and bailing, or simply changing it.
As for the point of no return and recognizing it -- with a certain past relationship, it was quite literally years of having the scales tipped by more sadness than happiness. At some point the prospect of being alone was more appealing than being engaged in an unsatisfactory partnership for any longer.
With employment, those decisions have been more rationally made. Albeit still slowly. There is always the question of whether the grass will be greener. In this case, the option of not having employment (being alone) sadly doesn't exist for most of us. Usually the change involves more than just a change of employer. At least for me it did up until recently. At this point, I think I'd consider changing employers but doing the same job. In my past life, the job description was always a big question too.
Sorry to be so long-winded.
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